Throughout my life thus far, I’ve had some victories and failures when it comes to openly receiving constructive criticism. The moment I realize that someone is going to be telling me things I did that they don’t like, my body has a visceral reaction. I start to squirm. My stomach does flips, my hands get clammy, and my breathing speeds up. Put bluntly: it sucks. Then, I have a choice…
- Do I go down the defensive and reactive rabbit hole?
- Do I decide to regulate my breathing, shift my perspective, and become present with what’s happening in a way where I can be open?
When I choose option two, I’m much happier. Thankfully, I’ve become better at choosing option two as a result of a helpful reframe.
The reframe is this: If someone is sharing difficult feedback with me and clearly still wants to remain in relationship, it’s because they believe in me enough to think that I can make progress or improve. How beautiful is that?
When I am honest with myself, I know that basically everyone has critical (whether constructive or not) thoughts about basically everyone that they interact with regularly. We all make mistakes. We all have annoying habits. We all sometimes fall short of our word or of others’ expectations.
It is in the conversations that bring these thoughts to light, where both the recipient and the giver of feedback do so with thoughtfulness and intention, that growth happens.
Being defensive doesn’t change someone’s mind about me. I know this. It usually makes me look pretty insecure and emotional when I dig my heels in.
When someone is sharing something with me, it’s already their truth and belief. My counterargument is unlikely to change their mind. Therefore, I can choose to learn from it and accept it as a gift or I can choose to stick my head in the sand and make them wrong. The latter doesn’t help my relationships very much, and I’d rather keep my relationships, learn, and grow, even if it means having to accept my imperfection on a regular basis.
It’s a practice, not a destination. I will always navigate it imperfectly. And that’s part of the beauty of it. Join me?
Ally Fisher is the Director of Growth at the Foundation for Family and Community Healing, and a Unitarian Universalist seminarian at Meadville Lombard Theological School.